it's 1:35 AM and you're listening to me from Dallas. i finally finished putting my bear that i got from the girl back together after my brother accidentally dropped it and broke it while he was here for my graduation. boy that really did not make me happy. even worse, he said something about it's personal value to me based on the connection i have with the girl. that made me even more upset. ironically, it made me upset because it was true, and because it was, i had to keep my mouth shut or else he and everyone else in my family would find out. it's not necissarily a secret, and it's definately not a bad thing, but my family and many others do not fully understand the dynamics of our relationship and would not be very receptive to an explination. for now it's just best for me to be quite. but i've got him back together now. the glue still needs to set for another 24 hours to be properly done. after that i can put the flag back in his hand and he can tell me how stupid i am all day long. it's fun that way.

i went driving again tonight. i think my car is seriously about to fall to pieces. it's been a very sturdy and reliable car until now, so i think it can hold how for a short while more. when the end of the month comes and things start to settle with my moving around and possibly getting a job, then i can start looking for another car. it'll be nice. i've had this car for a while now, but it's old and there's only so much more it can handle. i'll definatley miss it, but it'll be good for it to rest soon.

while out i was listening to Soul Coughing again. i started thinking about their albums. the other day when i went to get lyrics from SCUG.net i found a post on their forum about how many people are split in factions over which is better, the original band, or the new solo career of the original leader. i don't mind the new solo stuff. i ilke several of his songs, but i realized just earlier that the older it is the more i like of it. i started with the album Irresistible Bliss, their second album. i soon bought El Oso, their third and final album as a band. (el oso is spanish for bear) it was much later that i bought Ruby Vroom, their first ablum. tonight i realized that i liked El Oso more than Mike's solo work. i like Irresistible Bliss more then El Oso, and then i like Ruby Vroom the most. so, i like it all, but i like it more the older it is. i don't think it's actually odd to think that way, but it's unusual for me, since i don't feel that way about any other bands i listen to, and because i started in the middle and worked foward then back.

it's getting late. my mind is decaying in thought. here's some more music from Ruby Vroom. this should be the last i post. if you've listened to any of it and like it, please buy the album. it's definatley worth it. the first song is first on the album and predates the 9/11 terrist attack by many years. just very saddly ironic is all. mike told the webmaster of SCUG.net that the main inspiration for this song was his tripping mentallity one day while staying in a hotel in chicago. he looked around and realized that everything in the room was in an essense chicago itself, but that he was not. he went around the room pointing at objects saying "Is Chicago", then pointed to himself saying "Is not Chicago". weird but very cool. the second song is a bit weird, and it's been said that people confuse the chorus. for fun i will omit the chorus until later. please leave a comment and tell me what you guess is the lyrics. if you already know, please don't spoil it. background and inspiration can be read on SCUG.net in the lyrics page.

Is Chicago, Is Not Chicago by Soul Coughing A man drives a plane into the Chrysler building Saskatoon is in the room Poulsbo is in the room Bennetsville is in the room Palmyra is in the room Is Chicago! Is not Chicago! Is Chicago! Is not Chicago! A man cuts in half just like he snaps a pencil Khartoum is in the room Phnom Penh is in the room Pyongyang is in the room Cairo is in the room

Is Chicago, Is Not Chicago
Lyrics on Soul Coughing Underground [dot] net

Down To This by Soul Coughing **chorus omitted until further notice** Nerves are up and the eyes all screwy Blood like a panful of boiling ratatouille Muscles in a mess, like a mess of speghetti Hack through the mess with a greased up machette Hang from the axles of a box car Follow the dotted line Like a steer to Chicago But to the hook of the Chicago man And I said, well *chorus omitted until further notice** I get all tripped up My eyes turn to water Rug burns from a shag rug Struck dumb in the presence Polyester burns from a jacket Rub the skin thin Break down in a diner Then I pay the bill **chorus omitted until further notice** Cashier toothpick stuck in the ground Tiny lawnmower to mow me down I could get lost in a lunchbox Lie low in the mittens in the lost and found **chorus omitted until further notice**

Down To This
Lyrics on Soul Cough UnderGround [dot] Net

my mind has been slightly blank for the past while. with nothing rolling around in my mind, there's not much to write about here. in fact, there is very little i've been thinking about at all the past while. i don't know why. it's a little scary to think that such a vast change has occured and taken away my deep thinking. i wonder if it's in any way related to playing my new game, Resident Evil 4. that game is so much fun. it's possible that playing the game has turned me into a mindless zombie of sorts. it's not fun to be that way, but it's fun to play the game. such a horrible horrible decision to make.

the girl is going through a lot right now. i think something is going on, or perhaps it's something she wants, but she's holding back again. actually, truthfully, i really just think it's my paranoid imagination again, but i don't like to dismiss possibilities till they are logically removable. it's most likely that i am still toting my high paranoia, but i don't want to dismiss possible problems and be wrong later. that's a decision i face every time. it's not something just about me. whatever my decision is, it involves everyone around me. everyone close to me has to deal with my paranoia, or my progress towards a solution of some kind. i believe it's not very hard to deal with me when i remove my paranoia and just deal with a problem. it becomes a simple matter, and my effort is focused on just that, so nothing else around me gets disturbed much. i don't like people to be bothered with my paranoia or my actions, even if they are for the greater good of some kind. but i can't always avoid that, so even when i try to work on something, change something or just fix anything in general, someone i know could get involved and be bothered by me doing something weird. that is only if i'm doing something that small. my paranoia reaches out much further. i walk in a daze, think obscurely, act even weirder, and do things i would not normally do. it's not a focused case of actions, so everyone i know who is around at those times are affected by it and tend to worry about me. most of my older friends have learned to recognize my insanity and just let me go. they know in time i will return to normal and will be alright. until that time they are bothered with my nonsense and tend to stay away from me for a while. it's not fun. i wish i could get rid of this paranoia, but as i said before, it is what i use most to sense problems around me and in others. i feel vibes from everyone i meet or talk to and can tell a lot about a person, their personality, and mostly their current state of being. it's a great gift to have, but is it worth it?? i don't know anymore.

some songs i've been wanting to put on my blog. there are several i've wanted to post, but i will narrow it down to 2 for now. please enjoy!! - - - Mike Doughty was the lead of the band called Soul Coughing and wrote all their songs, including most of the music. Soul Coughing made 3 albums, are a really great, then broke up. Mike moved to Chicago and after a while started a solo career. he's still writing and making music. take a look if your interested. yahoo sucks and will only allow 4.2 Mbs per hour, so after the mirror link expires, only 1 song per hour. the word Wichita brings back memories of a phrase that occurs in the movie Ice Harvest with John Cusack. "As Wichita falls, so falls Wichita Falls".

Down On The River By The Sugar Plant by Mike Doughty All of the girls out with their hips asway And I'm the loneliest man They're selling incense and sunglasses on Orchard Street Boatloads of bootleg Sean John And I'll dream you up in this vast dark bed Believe I loved you for each hair upon the back of your neck, and I Want to kiss you but I can't Down on the river by the sugar plan Down on the river by the sugar plan Earrings, weighing down the lobe and Nose a lovely slope and the mouth turned down Shoulders, pale and beautiful and Angle of the throat and your sweet sad stare All of the waves that crash upon the shore Fruitlessly shushing the world I'll pledge allegiance to my displacement My flag of doubt is unfurled And I'll dream you up on a vast dark coast Believe I see you walking toward me, arms outstretched like a Ghost, and I Want to kiss you but I can't Down on the river by the sugar plan Down on the river by the sugar plant

Down on the River by the Sugar Plant
Mirror for Down on the River by the Sugar Plant
Lyrics on Mike's website

True Dreams Of Wichita by Soul Coughing Signal got lost to the satellite Got lost in the rideup to the plungedown Man sends the ray of the electric light Sends the impulse through the air down to home And you can stand on the arms Of the Williamsburg Bridge Crying, Hey man, well this is Babylon And you can fire out on a bus To the outside world Down to Louisiana You can take her with you I've seen the rains of the real world Come forward on the plain I've seen the Kansas of your sweet little myth You've never seen it, no I'm half sick on the drinks you mixed Through your True dreams Of Wichita True dreams Of Wichita Brooklyn like a sea in the asphalt stalks Push out dead air from a parking garage Where you stand with the keys and your cool hat of silence Where you grip her love like a driver's liscense I've seen you fire up the gas in the engine valves I've seen your hand turn saintly on the radio dial I've seen the airwaves pull your eyes towards heaven Outside Topeka in the phone lines Her good teeth smile was winding down Engine sputters ghosts out of gasoline fumes They say You had it, but you sold it You didn't want it, no I'm half drunk on static you transmit Through your True dreams Of Wichita True dreams Of Wichita Punch it I got, uh, fed I got, uh, too much things on bounce, uh, my head I got to burn 'em up I got to burn 'em up now I got to go uptown, uptown I got a thing I got a little bit pushed 'Got to stand on the corner and bellow for mush I got a bomb I got a baby bomb bomb 'Got to stand on the corner and bellow for my friend Tom I got a thing, I got to thing it I got to thing, team I got to run my side True dreams True dreams True dreams Of Wichita

True Dreams of Wichita
Mirror for True Dreams of Wichita
Lyrics on Soul Cough UnderGround [dot] Net

it's cold. i turn the air conditioner low to save energy and money. well, it's nearly summer so it's a little warm most of the time, but when the air conditioner kicks on, it blows full blast a whole bunch of very cold air. it's like being in a refridgerator for a while. sucks. as i said, without it, it's a little warm!!

i don't like how my last post turned out. i don't think it came across very well. not as it was intended. there wasn't any intention!! this blog is a place for me to express my thoughts, ideas, perseptions, theories. POSSIBILITIES!! i don't believe most of the things i write, but that doesn't mean i don't think about them. that is one of the reasons this blog was made. all the thoughts, ideas and possibilities that i think of can be released. there are so many more that i just toss away and don't think of anymore. the bad ones are the ones that stick around and keep coming back, no matter what i do or think. those are the ones that i try to express from time to time, to get them out of my head. those are generally the ones i believe least of all. my thoughts in the last post were unfounded theory based on one of hundreds of possible outcomes from a very general circumstance that just happened to be somewhat close to the circumstances of the girl. it's generally easier to express an idea using some sort of example. i think about the girl a lot so she tends to be my example most of the time. doesn't mean i believe the things i think that involve her, because she is just an outsourced example of a rash perception. also because i think of her a lot, many of my theories are based on possible outcomes and circumstances that surround her. most of those aren't based on truth because i don't know the situation she is involved in thouroughly enough. that is why most everything i say involving her or about her is uncredited, unfounded, untruthful, possibility and theory. i don't believe anything i think or say until i know enough truth to make a reasonable, well founded assumption. this is slightly difficult sometimes with her as she tends to not express herself as much as i do. i said before that she trys to shield me from unpleasant things. i've learned to accept her stance on issues she doesn't wish to share. i used to beg and push her to tell me things. i went out of my way to force her to open up. i don't think that is a completely bad method for some things, but i've learned to trust her enough to make her own judgements and believe in her decisions. she can handle anything, and anything she wishes to tell me will be her decision. ironically, even when i push her to open up, it is still only her decision to do so. she a very funny girl, and i like her tendencies even if they are a just a bit frustrating at times.

if and when i ever figure anything out regarding any of my theories, most likely i won't post here. first because this is a junk blog. a place to get rid of my thoughts and ideas, not a place to settle them. also, because most of my thoughts involve the girl, and those are for me and her. this is a public blog no matter how or whom i write to. what goes on between me and the girl, and the things we talk about are private. my great unseen audience will need to learn to deal with that.

p.s. the girl is doing really well and we're having lots of fun together. it's very nice. i've been trying to think of anything i might want to change, do different, avoid or add to our conversations. really, i can't think of anything. i like our conversations the way they are. i like the girl and her personality. i learn more about her nearly every night and i'm usually always surprised by the things i learn. she's very smart but she's very specific in what she likes. those very distinct likes and dislikes are a source of amusement for me sometimes. i'm an overly simple guy and find very small and normal things very entertaining at times. so, what i'm trying to say if i'm very happy to have met her and spend time with her. if ever anyone has thought differently, then i'll think you're insane!!

i wonder if anyone besides the girl found her picture in this blog?? i did hide it pretty well, but the girl found a very interesting way to locate it!! have fun searching you surfer peoples, and put a note in the shoutbox when you find it!!

hope everyone is having fun and a great day. this is where i hug the girl and tell her how much i care. i hope she is doing extremely well today.


p.p.s. i want to put up another song soon. it's another one from Soul Coughing. i really love that band. also wanted to say how i've been using the "Plain View" version of posting for my blog. it's a bit weird because it doesn't put in paragraph returns or keep my double spacing for sentences!! i don't really have any way to compensate for the double spacing thing (no way that is reasonable efficient), but i manually add html line breaks for every line return. it's a little annoying sometimes, but i usually keep most things in large paragraphs. also, i like having the manual control over it. fyi, goodnight!! (Kero-chan says: "O-nya~nya~!!")

it's cold. i turn the air conditioner low to save energy and money. well, it's nearly summer so it's a little warm most of the time, but when the air conditioner kicks on, it blows full blast a whole bunch of very cold air. it's like being in a refridgerator for a while. sucks. as i said, without it, it's a little warm!!

i don't like how my last post turned out. i don't think it came across very well. not as it was intended. there wasn't any intention!! this blog is a place for me to express my thoughts, ideas, perseptions, theories. POSSIBILITIES!! i don't believe most of the things i write, but that doesn't mean i don't think about them. that is one of the reasons this blog was made. all the thoughts, ideas and possibilities that i think of can be released. there are so many more that i just toss away and don't think of anymore. the bad ones are the ones that stick around and keep coming back, no matter what i do or think. those are the ones that i try to express from time to time, but to get them out of my head. those are generally the ones i believe least of all. my thoughts in the last post were unfounded theory based on one of hundreds of possible outcomes from a very general circumstance that just happened to be somewhat close to the circumstances of the girl. it's generally easier to express an idea using some sort of example. i think about the girl a lot so she tends to be my example most of the times. doesn't mean i believe the things i think that involve her, because she is just an outsources example of a rash perception. also because i think of her a lot many of my theories are based on possible outcomes and circumstances that surround her. most of those aren't based on truth because i don't know the situation she is involved in thouroughly enough. that is why most everything i say involving her or about her is uncredited, unfounded, untruthful possibility and theory. i don't believe anything i think or say until i know enough truth to make a reasonable, well founded assumption. this is slightly difficult sometimes with her as she tends to not express herself as much as i do. i said before that she try to shield me from unpleasant things. i've learned to accept her stance on issues she doesn't wish to share. i used to beg and push her to tell me things. i went out of my way to force her to open up. i don't think that is a completely bad method for some things, but i've learned to trust her enough to make her own judgements and believe in her decisions. she can handle anything, and anything she wishes to tell me will be her decision. ironically, even when i push her to open up, it is still only her decision to do so. she a very funny girl, and i like her tendencies even if they are a just a bit frustrating at times.

if and when i ever figure anything out regarding any of my theories, most likely i won't post here. first because this is a junk blog. a place to get rid of my thoughts and ideas, not a place to settle them. also, because most of my thoughts involve the girl, and those are for me and her. this is a public blog no matter how or whom i write to. what goes on between me and the girl, and the things we talk about are private. my great unseen audience will need to learn to deal with that.

hope everyone is having fun and a great day. this is where i hug the girl and tell her how much i care. i hope she is doing extremely well today.

i went out last night to see the hotel where the upcoming anime convention will be held. it's really really nice. it's at least a four star hotel if not a five!! i don't particularly like downtown but it wasn't as bad as i thought it would be. my brother broke a bear that the girl had made for me and given to me for Christmas last year. it's one of the few things that i have from her. it's very very important to me. during the family gathering for my graduation my brother hit my desk very hard and it fell over. the different parts of the bear are made seperately and baked together in the oven to make it hard. the substance is called Sculpty and is somewhat fragile. it's very nice but requires some caution when being handling. i bought some special type glue for it and am will have to wait a day for it to set.

i put a link on my blog to a picture of the girl. it's hidden, so you'll have to find it on your own if you want to see her. she's very shy about herself and letting other people see her. she didn't really want me to put up a picture of it, but she said that if i really wanted to that she'd let me as long as it wasn't right out in the open. the hidden part was actually my idea from the very beginning so i think it all worked out. there is a special code that i used to use on my old blog that made a link of regular text. you could change almost every single thing you wanted about it. you could make the text just any way you wanted normally, then use the code to make special hovering and link type changes, or you could repeat all the normal text properties and it would be completely invisible as a link. only if you clicked it would something happen. also, this code allowed for opening new windows with special properties such as sizing the window to a certain size and screen position. you could remove toolbars, scroll bars and almost everything from the new window. however, with the release of SP2 and other security features, that code and the script that is uses has been blocked by almost every browser. it can still be added, but each instanst will prompt the ANNOYING "allow script" pop-up window that is common to most advertisement sites. i refuse to use a script that would cause that, so i had to settle for something more toned down, however it is still relatively hard to find. good luck!!

the girl is bored. i suppose i'm running out of new things to say. it's hard to deal when we don't see each other and all we have to go on is our basic conversation. talking with her every night for almost an entire year has used up almost all the new things to say. there are still many things we don't know about each other, but it's finding the things that we don't know and are worth saying that makes it hard. in the mean time there is developing silence. i don't mind the silence. i enjoy just being on the phone and hanging around even if nothing is being said, but the girl is seeming to become bored of that. i don't know what else to do or say. i wonder if there are prohibiting factors involved that is making it harder. i think it's more troublesome for her when she starts to fall asleep. i have a hard time keeping up a decent conversation with her when she's loosing consciousness. i used to be better at it, and she used to be more alert for longer. i wonder also if spending an entire 4-5 hours every night has made things go much faster than we can keep up with. these are just thoughts of what might be the true cause of her boredom. none of those things have started to bother me yet, but i'm usually awake for the entire time and stay awake for the rest of the night. also, silence doesn't bother me like it does for her. maybe the cause is me. i don't know what to do. these are just thoughts i had.

p.s. my paranoia definately makes my first thought to be problem dirctly from me. however, thinking for just a bit i came up with another theory. i don't quite think all of her boredom should be put on me. i am not bored of her but that does not mean i am not bored. i don't think i'm as bored as the girl is because i tend to find many many small things to do to preoccupy myself. i think she could do this too but she not motivated enough. instead she looks to me to preoccupy time that she is bored of. i used to be able to do this, but that is just the way of new things. i can still hold my own in most cases, but i am only so new and only so much entertaining. she needs to be more creative and find something beyond what i can offer. i can help find something, i can continue to do the best i can for her, but i can't carry the full weight of her boredom. it doesn't mean anything less of her, and hopefully nothing less of me. that is just the way of things in this bizarre world.

things about her and about my over analytical perception aren't very proper to put on here. i might speak of things from time to time, but i will work hard to keep them from general public. the public might find those things interesting but it's too personal for me and for the girl. everyone else with have to deal with the lack of those things. the girl will be talked about in this blog quite a lot since she is such an important person to me, and a big part of my life right now, but her and her ways are for me. the rest of society will have to get permission on their own. she doesn't give info like that away very freely and doesn't appreciate when i do either!!

i promised music a long time ago, but i've had a hard time getting around to it and setting up the best method for it. i'm still working things out but here is a little something for now. i've copied out the lyrics to the song: "Mr. Bitterness" by the band Soul Coughing. bandwith and server space is VERY low on yahoo/geocities. the girl mentioned using yousendit.com. i'll include that as an alternative download but the link is only good for 7 days maximum. the yahoo link will be good for as long as i don't need server space. i generally only use yahoo for storing songs for my blog, so this shouldn't be much of a problem. the songs i had from my old blog were still up. but we're moving on now. please enjoy.

Mr. Bitterness by Soul Coughing There is a bar they call The Bitter Sea And she sits and drinks a velvet crush that's Kool Aid and gin casing the clientele like a relentless cameraman She is elsewhere She says You keep a-knocking but you can't come in and I say Little Sister, don't you do what your Big Sister does Spiral down down down down down down down Spiral down down down down down down down Well desire looks just like you with an uzi nine Gundown fifteen bystanders in a roadside driveby, yeah Desire is the grassfire drinking gasoline She says Open up your mouth, man, let me come inside Spiral down down down down down down down Spiral down down down down down down down She cracked now, Now they call me Mr. Bitterness She snapped now, Now they call me Mr. Bitterness She gone gone gone Leaning up against the wall I will lash out dancing like a madman when you're gone I will spit the blue flame and hurl my glass against the wall And I will hear your name coming out from a boom box I will hear your name called out from passing cars Spiral down down down down down down down Spiral down down down down down down down She cracked now, Now they call me Mr. Bitterness She snapped now, Now they call me Mr. Bitterness She gone gone gone Spiral down down down down down down down Spiral down down down down down down down Spiral down down down down down down down ...down down down down down down down ...down down down down down down down Now they call me Mr. Bitterness Now they call me Mister

Mr. Bitterness
Mirror for Mr. Bitterness

it's been a few days since my last post. it's not that i haven't been inspired for anything, i've just been greatly unmotivated somehow. i've been building up quite a lot of things to say but it has never seem like a good time to sit down to post. i've wanted to many times, but when i sit down to write, i suddenly feel disoriented, so i go off to do something else. most of my posts have been pretty late at night. this seems pretty odd to write now, but i feel motivated. i'll try to post before i loose my motivation again.

a very bizarre habit of mine is to pick up things almost exactly where i left off from before. you'll just have to deal with it. the last few posts from when i was back home were ranting and raving over the girl's post mentioning suicide. well, unless you haven't read, the mention of that word makes me become a completely different person. i over focus on nothing but that person and my goal to save them. i become blind to everything else around me and all of reality. this last time i overcame it rather quickly. i hate giving up that feeling. the feeling i have of protecting and rescuing. i can only imagine that it is a small degree to what mother's feel like when their child is in danger. i just consider this my protective nature. it's very very strong in me. however, this can be greatly overwhelming not only to me but even to the person who i wish to help. how effective can i be at helping someone when i'm not sane enough to be of any use?? how well can someone trust someone else who is totally unbalanced out of reality?? it's not that even small mentions of this topic shouldn't be dismissed, but that flying off the hook and going over board is definately not the best way to handle things. despite how strongly i feel about it, i doubt i can ever overcome that strong nature. if it's really something i feel strongly about then i need to think clearly and do things the right way. i need to make myself better. learn to stay calm and do the right things at the right time. i did much better this time and i hope to continue to get better in time. also, the mention of suicide is not something i think should be taken lightly in any sort of way, but i've learned that everyone has those feelings and those thoughts. it's not wrong or harmful to express those things, but rather harmful to not tell someone how you feel. i'm very grateful that the girl has been open with me in such a way. i'm sorry that i haven't done things the right way yet. hopefully this will be the last time she feels that way, but if not, i'll do better to be there for her the way that she needs me.

it's ok to express feelings and thoughts that seem bad and depressing. suicide to me is so much stronger that it's on a different level. i really think it is, but it is only an advanced level of pain and depression. becoming hysterical in front of someone who says they are depressed would not be helpful, so neither would it be for something that is stronger and comes from it!! it's ok to be serious. it's not ok to go beyond and end up in a place where you are no longer helpful to the person who needs you!! most of the time (but not always) people just need someone to listen. they need to express the thoughts and feelings they have without any worries. many many times for many other reasons as well, people just need someone else to listen and not talk back. at all!! ever!! that is a very hard task for me. i like helping people by talking to them, but sometimes the best method to help someone is to not talk at all!! i'm still learning but i'm getting better!!

the girl and i talked about how she was really feeling, why she wrote her blog and how i handled it all. it was quite obvious it was an big missunderstanding for me and even more that i over reacted in a bad way. i appologized many times, and she eventually forgave me. she was very very kind. the entire incident took place all in one day. i don't think i would be as easily forgiving of someone who missunderstood me and made a horrible mess of everything. that is why she is sweet and kind.

a much happier time came soon after all this had settled. the girl told me about an anime convention coming soon that might make it possible for us to see each other. this is wonderful news to both of us, and we've been discussing it a lot since then. currently we are both finacially dependant on our parents so first step is to get permission. most everything seems to be working out great. my pessimism is the only thing that keeps me from overflowing again. i've learned that pessimism isn't that great of a thing to have all the time, but if used correctly is can be very helpful sometimes. i think of it like a break or a reality check. before driving super fast and ramming straight into a wall, my pessimism slows me down and prepare for a big crash in bad circumstances. it doesn't meant that i'm not happy or that i'm not still moving towards the things i want, but that i am heavily prepared for most all worst case senarios. fun but tricky balancing act!! many many years of practice, and is a continuing skill. i can't wait!! there are still many things to do and prepare for. the convention is 2 months away. that gives a little bit of time, but very little. i'm very excited!!

i went out last night to go find the location of the convention and a few other stores. as soon as i left the parking lot i remembered my car is having problems. it has started a while back, but it got drastically worse on the drive back to here. i didn't feel comfortable driving around the big city with a limping car without getting it checked first. i turned around and came back. i was very dissappointed. i was so excited to go find the place. the place where i soon might see the girl for the first time. when i got back inside i was depressed and sulking. i layed down to watch a movie and ended up getting very sleepy. i went to sleep early last night and slept in late this morning.

when i woke up today i took my car in to get inspected. the worker told me that there is only so much he can do because of my warranty without paying lots more money for other things that aren't covered. when i was home i talked with my dad a few times about other parts of my car that need to be fixed, replaced or whatever. he thought it might be time to starting thinking of getting a new car. with the new expenses that the guy mentioned to me i thought it was definately time to start thinking. i called my dad and he agreed. i need to finish out this month and figure out what i'll be doing next month before any other decisions can be made. there are MANY decisions that need to be made about my very near future which can't be decided till the end of the month. my lease will be up at that time. if i have not secured a job by then, i will be forced to move back home. that is the key decision to many other things. i want to know that result right now, but i want to be slow and enjoy the rest of my independance for a while longer. turmoil and confusion. balance of happiness and pressing on. things will move ahead at their own pace. there is no way to slow down or speed up time. do what i need to do and be patient.

i've see many many hits on this blog every day from undefined people and places. i wonder if anyone actually reads this besides the girl. either way, i'm very grateful for any concern any of you might have, even if nothing is said. the girl especially should know that, but she already does, so there's no reason to say it. right??

this is where i say thank you and goodnight. i hug the girl and make a post.

i said what i needed to say and that is all there is to it. i'm sorry to the girl for being agressively persistant. i won't talk about it anymore until she is ready to. i'm sorry for being the way i am, for being overly dramatic on that issue. i'm sorry that i went overboard. i don't feel any less about any of it, but i don't like to be agressive, especially with her. she doesn't like it when i'm argressive on issues either. i said what i said, and i appologized for it to no one. ... it has all been said already. have a great day!!

i feel like such an asshole now. the more and more i think about my last post the more judgemental it sounds. there is NO part of it which is judgemental at all. but if it comes across that way i will deal with myself!! i won't delete it, and i don't want to it not to be read, i just don't want to give the wrong impression. i see that the girl is online and using the tblurt. i'm sorry. it's too late and i messed up. i don't know what else to say. please forgive my harsh words. that was to the girl only indirectly, these are just my thoughts. take care!!

this blog is my perspective. my perspective of many different things, mostly issues that i am dealing with or thinking about. well, there's definately one issue i've been thinking of none stop for the past many many hours. the girl said she liked how my blog gave my perspective on things no matter what they were about because it wasn't solely focused on her and that it was a more detatched view of things. i blog not to anyone but more in a third person sort of way. the topic and discussion of this blog is the girl. mostly centered around suicidal thoughts but not exclusively. read on before making leaping decisions.

my perspective: the girl very very important to me.

my perspective: the girl is more valuable and important than my own life. not just my health and overall well being, but my very life.

my perspective: she knows this but doesn't believe it, or at least doesn't believe the full extent of it.

truth: i would do whatever it takes no matter how much it costs or how painful it is only to make sure she stays safe and well.

my perspective: despite our developing relationship, i am the one that cares about her the most. this is a very harsh statement taking in to consideration all of her friends and even her family. (perhaps her brother cares as much but i've never met him).

my reason for the last perspective is because despite all the various warning signs of depression, anxiety and even suicide, no one has lent as much support or bothered to consider her own perspective as much as i have. this doesn't mean they don't care but they they don't see the full extent of it all and can only assume that she is fully fit to take of all of everything on her own. i must say right now that despite all of her life struggles which have only increased and compounded with time she has remained strong every bit of the way. even through all the points of pain and heartache she still remains where she is and struggles to carry on. there is no one else i know who has gone through as much as she has nor even bothered to try. no one i know would ever carry the burden she has for all this time. she is carrying on more than i am capable of handeling even with all of my help and support. she doesn't have that support!! it does not mean it's not available but is has come to her and she hasn't reached out for it. she continues to fight everything all by herself.

i see her struggles and pain and heartache. i do every bit as much as i can and i will do even more from now on, but i am only one man. if i had the power to save all the world, what good will that do me if i can't save the girl?? i will go beyond my own capabilities to go around her and build up support for her that she needs. she will not do it on her own, then i will do it for her.

she tells me over and over that i worry about her too much. she tells me every time that something is bad that i shouldn't pay any attention to it because she'll get through it and be fine. i know it's true. i know that she can get through absolutely anything. i've seen it happen many times already. my concern is for her!!! not for her goals, not for her plans, not for the plans her parents have set up for her. FOR HER!!! her health and well being are more important to me than any other part of her. not so much physically as mentally, emotionally, psychologically. those parts are more fragile and dangerous than any other part of a person. each one of those parts individually can damage her beyond repair. most importantly it can motivate her into something beyond the natural order... suicide!!! in pure essence i am only trying to save her from herself. this seems cold and unsypathetic to put it that way, but as i said: i am ONLY concerned about HER!!! if these parts do anything to hurt her in any way i would never forgive myself for not doing more than what i could have done. if something happened to her then what good is any other part of her?? there is no part left to care for!! only for her own sake will i go beyond my cares and wishes. "i will sink myself before i allow her to drown".

this perspective has lead me to only a few conclusions: she needs help. i can help, but that's not enough. she needs to help herself, she needs help from her friends and from her family. she needs help from professional people. as strong as she may be she will not be able to carry on any longer if she doesn't get help from what she's already burdened herself from. it doesn't mean her burdens are wrong or evil. it doesn't mean that everything has gone wrong or that she has done anything wrong. she is an overwhelmed victim of society from every angle and perspective.

help is not running away from your entire life or exile or anything as dramatic as that. help is anything from a small pill to group therapy to school hiatus. what is wrong with any of those?? a pill is a compressed chemical created to prevent or cause chemical reaction within the body. depression is a chemical reaction within the body caused by stimulus too numerous to mention. depression the the most common loss of health in the entire world. more than half of every American takes anti-depression pills. regular pharmacy anti-depression pills are non habit forming. no matter how much you take them they will not create addictions. for people who take them there are times when an increased amount is needed for small periods of time. when the normal symptoms of depression are gone, you step off of the pills and never take them again until needed. my mother was perscribed 2 pills at the same time with high levels of each. she mentioned her suicidal thoughts to me. she threw tantrums and crying fits often for no reason at all. she started taking the pill, because immediately better. not normal, just unimaginably better at controlling her emotions and her life. in a short amount of time while taking the pills she straightened things up and started to feel better on her own. she has not taken either pill in a long time. she is better now than she was before her depression hit. it's not a permanent thing nor is it dangerour or even something embarassing. people in our society today are overwhelmed everyday and they need help. the pill is the smallest quickest simplest thing for help that exsists.

this entire subject is something the girl tries to avoid. she doesn't like talking about it. she doesn't like to show me her weak side. she wants to be strong for me so that i will not be burdened by her. as directly as i am: this bothers me more than all else!! this and other things that she keeps from me scare me more than the actual truth. what she hides from me only makes me think of the worst possible things. i ask her to open up and share with me all the things that bother her. she won't. she tells me that everything is fine and that she can handle everything. i don't doubt that, except when she says things like she just did in her blog. it's practically a suicide note!! apart from that only thing, i have more than enough faith in her abilities than she will even know!! i won't ask her for her burdens because she can't handle them, i ask because i care and i want to help.

metaphor: 2 cows (because cows are cute) are tied to a yoke. the yoke is the board that goes across each cow and is what pulls the cart. if one cow is carrying twice his weight and the other cow is only carrying half, then the yoke is unbalanced. it's not that the cow with more can't carry it, but why must he have to if the other cow is perfectly capable and ready for more?? the second cow doesn't mind. it cares for the first cow and would do more than it's even capable of just to care for the first cow!!!

one final thing: the girl knows almost how much i care for her. she knows what i think of when she writes suicidal things like she did. suicide and depression are not the same thing, but depression causes suicide and depression is what she has. every one has depression so it doesn't concern me NEARLY as much. even though i still feel bad about what she is going through, it's never as serious as the mention of suicide. despite all that she knows, i can't tell how much she believes of it. however much she believes i don't understand why she wrote out for me what she did. my only redeeming thought just now is that she is starting to open up to me. if that is the case then i am OVERLY happy and relieved beyond control. i will be quite and listen to everything without any more worries or complaint. that is what i would ask for most of all.

there is so much more i want to say. i wish to keep talking until everything is fine again, but that not only is possible it's just not correct. it would not help anything to be that way. the girl doesn't want to talk about any of this anymore. i don't want to put it away, but i don't want to put her in any more pain either. for now this will be all that i say.

this is where i hug the girl tightly, tell her how much i care and pray for her relentlesly.

goodnight.

the last post subject and this one are both from the "Wide Open" song by The Crystal Method. the girl said she wouldn't mind me putting links to the songs on my blog, but more for the effect of random visitors. she also is in confusion about how much personal information to put onto her blog. it's not something that bothers me to talk about anything personal. i consider myself to a very open guy. i'll talk about some pretty personal stuff to people i just met, if it's something i think is relevant. i don't just randomly go up to anybody for any reason, but especially to start telling my life story. that sucks!! but i'm not bothered for people to know my more personal moments. this kind of bothers my friends sometimes when they try to embarass me in front of other people. when they don't get much of a reaction out of me they get upset. i do get a little embarassed about certain subject, around certain people, but mostly not. this blog will have a lot of personal discussions in it, because the audience is only me!! that is how i view this new blog. this is my personal diary to me about the stupid things i think about. but it's an open diary for anyone to read because it just doesn't bother me that much. for this reason, it's not very important to me, but it seems have become important to the girl. it doesn't hurt to keep going, so why stop now??

it's funny how she started her tblog again after she's cut so far back on her other blog and pretty much told me that she'd never ever return. it makes for a great laugh. but i laugh at odd things!! it seems her blog is more for general audience to read and comment on. personally, i don't care or don't want other people to comment. if you're here and you have something you really want to say, get it out. i'd like to hear opinions on my thoughts. there are people that i see again on the tblurt while i write this that are going through those troubled times that i dealt with the first time i was here. those people from before were how i got to know all my friends from before. right now i have someone important to me who preoccupies most of my time, so as strong as my desire to reach out and lend a helping hand to those troubled people, i don't have the energy or the effort to be of any use right now. however much i try to do one thing or the other, only God and the future know what is in store for me. all i can do is try to roll with the punches.

a bad part of what i just mentioned is that another person that i've been avoiding lately is my own best friend. he's going through a tough divorce right now, and his life is pretty hard. he's living on his own, which he never did, even before he was married. he's going to church and bible studies. he's keeping in touch with the people he's met. he's using safe internet browsing to keep himself from doing things he shouldn't. he's doing really well for taking care of himself. should this be a time i should step in and do as much as i can for him to help him along, or do i need to step back and let him get through this as best as he can on his own to learn basic life lessons the hard way?? i suppose i'm kind of mean that way sometimes, by avoiding people and situations where i can help out, only because i want someone to learn the hard way through. i've learned nearly all my lessons the hard way and most others i pick up because i'm an excellent observer of everything. by observing everything and comprehending most of it, i've gotten to learn more than most people much older than me. i have a distinct advantage of learning fast and adapting well. i can't expect everyone to pick up on everything i already know the same way i did. is it such a bad thing to allow someone a little pain or misery if it's for a much greater good?? am i such a bad person for abandoning my friends in tough times, when i can help them only for their future self?? these are thoughts i've had for a long time. i've never gotten an answer. i think it is only a matter of balance. how bad does a situation have to be before it's morally wrong for me to watch my friends suffer?? thinking about this starts making me sick.

it's funny how the girl tries so hard to keep me from worrying about her. she does so well. she does a lot to take care of herself, to not be a burden to other people, and do all the other crap that people need to do in life. it's so amazing how much she can do and how much she gets done. i don't have that kind of ability. my efforts don't usually work out. things fail on me all the time, and despite me carrying on in life, i don't care for myself as much as i should. i do well enough, and i'm just fine. i'm an extremely pessimistic person. as great as everything is there is always something better or a better way of doing things. i never rest when i pass or win. there is always something more or better for me to do. this negativity i have about my personal care has caused the girl much worry over me. i think it's really nice to have some worry about me so much, but i don't like for her to worry too much. there are limits to things. she needs to realize, as much as i need to realize for myself, that i'm doing just fine and everything is ok. she's such a silly girl. and i like that about her. as much as she worries about me, i worry for her as well. she knows this and always tries to stop me. she tries to make me worry only for myself and not be bothered by her. it'll never work. i think she already knows this but like i said last time, we are both very stubborn people!! i know she can take care of her self extremely well, and that everything will be fine for her even if i don't help at all. but that's not the point. it's because i care for her that i worry about every little thing in her life for her. i try to take those worries upon myself so that she won't be worried. it doesn't work. she still worries. i suppose this bothers me the most, but i'm working on that with her. funny don't you think?? how i try to help her change herself when i like her just the way she is??

there was something that came up last night or in an email or something. i have such the worst memory that i don't even bother trying anymore because it only hurts to think so hard and i never get results. whatever the time or subject, i remember that is was something about myself that wasn't particularly fond of and thought that somehow i could get the girl to help me change. it was probabyl something small like my typing style but would be rather significant change over all. it took me a while but i realized that even though i might not like that and even if she didn't particularly care for it either, it's still a part of me and she likes me just the way i am. why should i go about making significant changes to myself in minor ways if i only become a different person from whom she became interested in?? sounds stupid in that way don't you think?? another randomly pointless thought which crossed my head. but the thought turned out alright, don't you think??

you should read the comment that the girl made to my last post in regard to putting up her picture. i think it's pretty funny. she has funny ways of telling me certain things. it's usually always surprisingly different and unexpected. but i like them all. i think that's getting direct again, don't you?? i wonder how much more of things like this i'll say. stay tuned to find out i guess. because even i don't know what comes out until it's all done.

the girl threatened me in her comment. i only recall her ever threating me one other time, and when i called her bluff she did what she said she would do. not pretty!! i wonder if she'll really go through with her threat if i do what she doesn't want. i don't think it's a really fair trade but it just proves how much she doesn't like the thing i suggested. it's weird that i got such a threat when i don't think she even realizes what i have in mind. it's absolutely so small of a thing. it'll be so small that it's hidden. and if i can't pull it off then i won't even do it. i think she'll be surprised by what i have in mind. it won't get done till i make it back to my own computer though. it'll be cool when done. and if my plan goes through it'll be like an inside joke. stay tuned and pay attention otherwise you'll miss it!!

and with that it's time to go to bed. that means it's time to hug the girl and wish her a good night.

i did say that last time even though it was morning for me only because it's what i normally say. saying good night to someone is my normally salutation to anyone. i do it to all my friends and every customer whom i've ever served!! like the girl has said, i do it in the first place because i think it's more important to end a day well than to start off. a day can go bad even if it starts off good. a day that starts off bad but ends well is much better. i think. for special people like me, even if it's not a spectacular day, as long as the day wasn't bad then it was a pretty good day!!

the drive home was very long. i listened to quite a bit of music along the way. i think Incubus has some great lyrics. i plan to put up a small page with a few quote from their songs. notable songs: " *interuption* my parents are more than frustrating. it's the second time since i've been up for the past hour that i've been interupted in some way. why can they never respect my current activity and be a little bit more respectful?? this is getting way more than rediculous!! notable songs: "Wide Open" by The Crystal Method; "Song to the Siren" by The Chemical Brothers. i would really like to put these songs on this blog, but i'm still deciding if i should and how. the best method would probably be just a link. although it seems overly useless since i already own the songs, and the girl doesn't like electronic music. but that's the whole point of this new blog right?? totally pointless things. i'll give it some thought.

the girl came to my blog the other day. it was nice to know she was there, but she read a part of the last blog that made me OVERly self-conscious. it was a pretty direct statement about the nice things i wanted to hear from her. i thought about how i should deal with that. since this is a pointless blog, and these are my open thoughts, then i'll just leave it as is. everything here is a stream straight from my head so there will be pretty direct things in them. she'll just have to forgive me. i'm going to keep it up for a while longer. she didn't leave a comment on my last post when she first got here. i was a little sad by that. she told me that she was still thinking about what to say, and that it was something too personal for her to say even here. there's really no one else around, this is a pretty small pointless place. it was a wonderul comment that she sent me through email. i'll respect her wishes for now. it'll all get worked out. this is for me directly, and indirectly for her (now). i'll keep with it and see what the future holds. she said she really liked my blog. thought it was very nice looking and the content was much better than last time. i guess that was something i was needing to hear. with that, it'll stay this way for a while. i've been thinking of just a few things i wanted to add. what kind of personal information could i add to "about me"?? i was thinking of favorite things. the color grey and the girl!!! well, anyone who actually visits here and reads will know that anyways, so it's pointless. i thought it would be really cool to add a picture of her, but she got really upset for me thinking about it. for now i'll respect her wishes. however...

the girl really likes me. i know this. after i got a break from school and had time to think again i got depressed and self conscious, especially with all my crazy family coming to visit me during graduation. reassurance and comfort were a couple things i was looking for on her blog. i indirectly mentioned this in the last post, and she said it was a bit uncomfortable to say those things. i know they are, and i realized that's probably why i didn't see much of what i wanted on her blog. the things i know and the things i hear are a bit different, but some things require extended patience and understanding. it'll come about when the time is right. in her comment she said a few of those things indirectly and it felt so nice. relieving and comfortable. i am happy again, i only hope i haven't bothered her with all of that.

after our conversation before i left she sent an email and got depressed for not saying something memorable and outstanding. that's not what i wanted. it's not important to say those things. i don't need to hear things over the top just because of something like this. it's more special to me just to have a normal conversation with her. i am happy just to hear her and know everything is alright. to know that she is being strong despite all that goes on around her. it relieves my worries. so, it was much better this way i think. if she doesn't think so, she can still think of something and email me.

the girl said that something she was very happy about in this blog was that i focused more on me and said things that i wouldn't normally just say during our conversations. she said that during our conversations i'm very focused on her and put myself to the side quite a bit. she is relieved that she can come to my blog and read the things that are on my mind with my own perspective whether they are are about her or not. i guess that's cool. to me it's only pointless, but maybe she can get something more out of it. we'll see.

the girl thinks that i'm pretty special and that i should think more about myself and take care of myself more. my opinion is that i'm doing fine and taking care of myself alright. if i'm alright, then i can focus on something else. something more important. her!! this is not a new struggle. we've gone through this argument about who is more important before. in my weird way i like that. to me it's nice to see how strongly we each feel about certain things, no matter what the subject is about. this has gone on for a while, but because neither of us will give on our opinions about who is the more imporant than this will last a bit longer i think. i think it's nice. it's my own source of reassurance. i wonder... she's pretty stubborn about certain things. i wonder how much longer we'll have this argument. personally i would like for it to go on for while longer. we'll see.

this is where i hug the girl and say goodnight.

link suggestions??