update: 3125 hits

hmm, it's noon and i'm still tired. i really want to go back to bed, but i have to keep myself awake. not good comes from mornings.

monday i found out that the main day-time girl at work, her father passed away sunday. she had been spending a lot of time taking care of him and even had to take several days off to be with him when he went to the emergency room earlier. i found out last night that the funeral is today. the "boss" who doesn't actually live in this town stayed here last night on his day off and will come in to work today for a little bit then go to the funeral. he may be grumpy and have an extremely short temper, but he does have a big heart.

other than that i've had to work a little extra to help relieve her not being there. and besides that, nothing. just hanging out watching anime. oh, so much fun. i love me some anime.
:twisted:

goodnight people.

....

clip from "the praise chorus" by jimmy eat world

i'm on my feet
i'm on the floor
i'm good to go
all i need is just to hear a song i know
i want to always fell like part of this was mine
i want to fall in love tonight
crimon and clover over and over

i'm back. that's right, i went away. i bet y'all didn't ever realize it. spending time with my older brother was alright. not the most enjoyable of times, but better than i had expected. of course the expectations were pretty low. then another surprise was we were going to visit my sister, who is also in the same town and married and has 2 kids (or 3 if you include her husbands previous). this was also an unpleasant time. a short time ago she wrote a rather unfriendly letter to my (our) father. he replied rather speedily and very politely, however she did not reply to that and she didn't call or write to my father on father's day. my mother was the most unpleased. while the adults were talking i decided to spend some quality time with my neice and nephew. (she is the previous child, but still very nice kid) they ran and played on the swing set and went exploring in their big backyard. seriously it big cause they don't live "intown". however they also did much piggyback riding and i got tired and HOT and sunburned and LOTS of stickers in my shoes. bummer, but all in all i think it was worth it. i don't see them often so i did what i could for now.

the trip back i slept a lot. then got home and slept a little more. now i'm doing tblog and downloading more anime. NARUTO ROCKS!!!

my site should be up shortly, hopefully by the end of the week. i'll try getting another small one up too to show off some other stuff. goodnight beautiful people.

uhm, i was really tired last night so i didn't write nuthin. somehow i still managed to stay up till 1:30. today i did absolutely nothing. i got up late for unknown reasons. i wasn't even tired so i don't know why i didn't wake up earlier. i can only guess because no one made a ruckus and woke me up. that was nice of them. (for a change). then went to work and time went by SO SLOW. i seriously thought it was 7o'clock before it was 5, and it was like that the whole night. read my new Nintendo magazine there. i got nervous jitters reading it. i can't wait for all the lovely stuff coming out. this new handheld system their releasing is mindboggling, and some of the new games are breathtaking. the preview for the Resident Evil game............ i couldn't stand it, i was shaking so bad. i was WAY TOO excited. and scared. the tidbits they released was so chilling i CAN'T WAIT!!! then i came home and watched tv for the first time a long time. how boring.

YESTERDAY!!! that would be (?????) oh yeah, friday. dang my memory sucks. hmm, i did a lot yesterday. got up, watched some anime on my computer, then did some school work on my program, then started a school work pictures site for y'all (all of you!!!), then got out of the house and to the anime store for the last time. (today she packed up and closed) (so sad) then came back home, picked up my brother and went and watched Chronicles of Riddick AGAIN!!! still a good movie. i'll probably have to buy it when it comes out. strange how it can be sequel yet still seem so original. then was late to my friends house. (hmm, as if i wasn't already in trouble with them) I REALLY REALLY ENJOYED MY TIME. really i did. i would have liked to ride the swings again, but i wasn't going to make many suggestions this time. i have to thanks Roc for granting me a second chance so soon after the "incident". and for Trin being so nice to me after the horrible things i said. they were both uncomfortable (Trin more so) but they both did a FANTASTIC job getting over that. i'm such an *insert explative here*. i've been going over and over it and i can't bring myself to understand why i blew up the way i did. geez, i'm such a *repeat explative*. they truely are great friends. i don't deserve them. you guys have no idea how sorry i am.

well, before i go getting emotional i better get off. goodnight.

oh, almost forgot. i learned about 2 hours ago that we will NOT be going to church instead will be traveling to....... out of town to see my brother. it's his birthday. i love my brother cause he's my brother but after that i dislike him. terribly so, almost a hate. he's done a few things that i seriously disagree with. one being hypocrosy, but that's not the big one. so whoop-tee-do, we get to go see him tomorrow and i get to miss church ONCE AGAIN. crap, that pisses me off more.

did anyone see my little pic i made? (Trin?) of me saying i'm sorry? i was really proud of it. and dang it took me a whole 2 minutes to do it too. :twisted: i love that picture.

MUSIC!!!!! NEED SUGGESTIONS!!!

goodnight. sleep well...... everyone.

hmm. tblog did it again. ::click - "publish"::........"cannot find server". ::CRAP:: :twisted: i'm learning from my mistakes. here's the copy:

pretty useless day. watched anime, did school tutorials, got web program working, went and eat at Texas Roadhouse. i hate country music. really really hate. they have great bread, but i got there late and it was all gone. se la vei.

anyone have a 311 song they like? personally i like "prisoner" and "it's been awhile".

oyasuminasai.

update: 2842 hits. cool.

alright. i've been doin a bit of thinking recently (for those of you who didn't know) well, about the previous thinking that i was doing. it ends up, that i'm really confused about a few things. now it may be that i just haven't thought that hard in a long time, but my head really hurts now. and i'm still left confused. for those of you know who know me, you know that this actually isn't very uncommon. so, this considered, i might just be returning to normal. i hope.
:roll:

new issue: i have a bit of poor stamina. and i relate the majority of it to poor lung capasities. it came up in a conversation with the anime store owner (hence forth know as "the owner", to make things simpler on me). well, see mentioned that could be easily remedied especially considering she did so while in band. she said that band members have to go through breathing exersices and what-not in order to increase and maintain good breathing. thus if you know are in band or otherwise know good breathing techiniques, i would appreciate any information you might have.

that's all i have to say today, cause other than a few letters i wrote today, nothing happened.

goodnight. :idea:

this is how my day went. my blog to Trin is below. read on.

went and saw Riddick today. sweet movie. there were a few things i wasn't just absolutely thrilled about, but the story has definately deepened. i think i need to go read the books now. that probably would have been a good thing to do in the first place.

the boss who i started under has been coming in a few times for relief work since he left here and got a better job elsewhere. well, now he's leaving there and will not return here for a while, if ever. so i went and said goodbye to him today. a little sad.

i also met another girl at work. we have been talking a little recently. i think she has a boyfriend but she smokes and who knows what else. also she's attending the college here. .......actually i don't think that means anything. whatever.

also just today i found out that my anime store owner is a pagan. CRAP!! that doesn't affect much right now, but it might cause problems in future. i will have to do my best to stay clear of such topics. actually i shouldn't have to worry about it for too much longer seeing as how i'm trying to get back to school in dallas.

ooh ooh, i almost forgot. i just spoke with one of my friends from dallas. he lives in san fran now, and goes to another art school. i got to speak with him for a while tonight on messenger and we swapped some pics. that was pretty nifty. ("nifty"?? why did i use THAT word?)

uhm, hmm. well, the future is so uncertain right now. at least the very near future. like until the next two weeks. that just means i have no plans and i don't know if i'm going to have any fun or will have to stick my butt into my chair and do school work. ah, fun fun.
:roll:

goodnight all you absolutely lovely people.

well, i was hoping this wouldn't come, but it did. i have said some things that you can read below that have hurt the feelings of one of my closest friends. Trin. I would like to oppologize here and now, and openly to her for the hurtful things i said, and for making her upset. I know it hurt, and i'm sorry. please forgive me.

... the rest of this blog is for Trin only. BACK OFF!!!! :evil: ...

there is very little else i can say at this point. if you have anything to say to me, or anything you want me to hear, let me have it. i'm free all this week, so call me over when y'all have time, or write a blog or send me email or private message. i will take anything you have to say to me, i will read it and take it all in and i will not be offended or hurt by it. there is very little you can say to hurt me, especially if you truely mean it. no, i'm not very good on friendships. i haven't had any last more than 2 years. and most have failed because of me. lack of determination or plain ignorance. either way, nearly every time was my fault. i realize that. i think that is the most sadding thing of all of it.

i said some hurful things and i retaliated to intentions that were not present. that is my fault. i started it. and for all of it i am sorry. you may not realize just how much it hurts me to know that i have hurt you like i did. please forgive me. for this i take all responsability and all consequences. they may not be pleasant but i will do whatever i can to repair the friendship i have hurt. if you have anything you need or want to say to me, i am willing to hear it. i will sit patiently and take it all. not only would it be less than i deserve, it would be something i want to do. i WANT to hear everything you have to say to me. and don't think for second that i'm not able to take it. the most important part of a friendship i have experienced is being able to love your friends even after they hurt you. (which you have not, and can not do)

sit down and write out a letter, or email, of everything that is on your mind and everything you wanted to say. when you are ready, i will read it or be willing to listen to it. please do this for me. i don't want my infamously stupid mistake to once again hurt another dear friendship of mine.

that's all i know to say for tonight. goodnight.

click here

my brother's pretty sick. i love my brother but it's very rare for me to show it. but i can not stand it when someone i care about is sick, yes even my friends. i will quit work, drive across the state and stay by their side for as long as they need me. my mother says i'm a compationate person, and that i got it from my dad, and that's why she feel in love with him. whatever. he's sick i'll do whatever i can. funny thing is, my dad's with him right now and it's almost 1 in the morning.

i got a new set of speakers for my computer. the previous ones were fantastic, but were about 3 years old, so they pretty much just started giving up on me. now i have a 5.1 speaker system. sadly i don't have the room to hook it all up so i can only use the front speakers and the manditory sub. it's manditory cause all the cords go into and come from it. without it, sound would not be possible. ooh ooh, it's even got a cool little control box. it's got a long cord so i can place it just about anywhere and control the main volume, surround speakers (back), the center, and the sub all seperately from it. so cool. 8)

uhm, yeah, so i made another blog page. i'm not really happy about it. the necessity for it displeases me, but i hope that it will make me and THIS page better. i'm pretty sure it's effect will be noticable very soon. most all rants will be placed there and free space here for only good things. i have to mention though that that blog and this blog will never be considered to be written by the same person. the writer of that blog will be considered by me (and hopefully others) to be a complete different person/identity. also no links will be posted to or from that blog. it is it's own little island in a way. far from normal reality.

k, so hope everyone has a goodnight.
oyasuminasai
- jafo

alright, i'm fine now. thank you all for your concern. i've written a few comments which should clarify a little bit for certain people who are keeping up with things. but for everyone: this blog and the few previous posts are concerned with two people: Roc and Trin. read if you want, but i warn you that you may not want to read and it definately doesn't involve anyone else.

...

i got home sunday night, and well, i was pretty upset. i did a bit of yelling at inanimate objects, and also the pets. then i went balisitic on tblog. you said some things that i didn't like at all, but i didn't have the heart to show y'all. once again, "just keep it inside". you both had some real good advise, and i take everything i have to heart, but really....... hardly none of it pertained to my situation. y'all kept going on about losing my friends, and your friends, and how to deal with stress, and what really pisses me off and other things like that. none of that is what i needed. seriously, after a long hard day, i just want to go to my friends house, get away from everything that's getting on my nerves and just forget about. once the thoughts are gone so is the anger. anger is a state of mind, and if i'm not in that state of mind, i'm not angry anymore. pretty simple logic. i think you almost said that last night Roc, but not in those words. i really don't mind talking about my day and saying what's bothering me, but for the most part i'm a real silent person. i don't talk a lot to ANYONE. you're my closest friends and i still don't talk a lot to y'all. it's not that i'm keeping things from you, i just prefer to be silent and enjoy peace more than most people.

i don't mind discussing my day, but you have to get in me into the right mood first. that usually being when i'm in a talkative mood. open me up to other subjects and once i start talking more then you can gradually ease things onto more delicate subjects. i'll be more specific about this at a later date. all this is to say, you can't force me to open up, that'll only make me put up more defenses. i might even open up and actually talk but that doesn't mean that behind things things aren't getting worse. YOU said you like to analyse things, you took a psychology class, but a psychologist is a bit more gentler with his patients. he NEVER raises tone, or becomes upset. he never forces issues or forcefully directs the conversation. everything is done with a soft touch usually in the way of suggestion and often then it's subliminal. when things get to certain point, he may have to give the patient a choice. decide what the choices are, define the pros and cons of each, give consequences of each choice, maybe throw a SLIGHT encouragement toward one choice then let the patient decide. if the patient choices unwisely that is his choice. then psychologist doesn't make him regret his choice, he goes with it and builds upon it to something else. that is to say, in the back of my head, the things i was thinking about was what was going wrong with the situation, how not to make it worse, what i could say to make you not dig deeper than you already were. a few times i failed. you have a DEEP determination.

i am very impressed by this. the more i learn about you, Trin, the more i'm impressed. you do have a great gift of anaylisis, there is no denying that. you also have an extreme determination. but these can also be your weekness. be weary and careful of this.

Roc, i can't determine if you upset me last night or were just following the conversation. either way, listen to what your heart really says. if you know that a conversation is upsetting someone and you or the person involved is upset, stop it. or at least lighten it. you have a great gift for that. do not be afraid to use it. don't be pulled in by group thinking. be more true to yourself.

now there may be a lot of harsh words here. and i do appologize for that. this may also seem one sided. i can't appologize for that because the conversation before was a little one sided, whether you realized it or not, it was. like i said, i wasn't fully invested in the conversation, it was more of a forced issue. HOWEVER, i would like to appologize to the one i have been speaking to. i have NO bad feelings what so ever (anymore) (it was only for a short while) (until i cooled down) 8). when i'm upset i am upset in a focused manner. many things will contribute to my hostility, but only one object, or person, will have it directed at them, whether they realize it or not. this object or person can change several times in once minute. it's only an immediate focus so that i don't blow up at everyone for something that they didn't do. the object or person of the focus may not have contributed to my frustration either, it's just to keep me focused, like i said.

so with this i say to both of you. i am sorry. i upset you both yesterday. yes i did, Trin, i could sense it. Roc had fogotten about everything by the time i left, but both of us probably didn't. and if i have done something i take full responsibility for it. no one can take it for me and no one can just remove it. you can forgive and forget, even without me knowing, but that doesn't mean it didn't happen and was never there. so for all that i have done, i'm sorry. please forgive me, both of you.

forcing issues. Trin, you haven't known me all too long and you haven't truely seen me mad or upset. that is to say you haven't seen my darker side. it is constantly there and becomes closer and closer the more i am upset. eventually it can overwhelm me and i will be lost to it. Roc has caught a glimpse of this, but has not seen the full thing. very few people have. Roc can since then sense it's presence and has done a marvelous job to stay clear of it. he may have since forgotten but a quick reminder is never too far away. this side of me can betoured and avoided, it can also be subsided. a few ways to do that were discussed last night (and above). as i said last night and since then, your ways do not benefit me. i'm sorry, but that's just the way it is. you can soothe someone by forcing then to subdue anger in the same fashion you do. you should know this by know with Roc. (and you probably do, but you still try) this matter can be 10 fold more serious with person not exactly lined to your same wave length. (and there's nothing wrong with not being on the same wave length, but nearly all aspects of life are different and little to nothing can be done to one the same as to the other. this is to say, i have to vent in my own way. you and Roc have your own, i have mine. it's very much different for either of yours, but that's just how it is. if you try to deny me that, then there can be severe consequences. such as not being able to release anger thus being overcome by my darker self. my darker self views everyone equally, there are no true friends to him, and he'd just as soon hurt them as anyone else. i will not allow myself to do that to my precious friends. i hope you understood all that.

uhm, one of the ways i release my anger (i think i said before) is to focus on something and vent. doesn't mean i'm upset with it, just helps me release pent up stress. one such course of action is cursing or name calling. if done properly it can be using pet names. you might not fully understand this (cause you can't see why anyone would do such a thing) or even consider it legitamate, but it's true. i am always ready to sacrifice a part of myself for my friends. i will sacrifice more than most are willing to ask, but this....... this can not be sacrificed. this is a longtime used tool of releif. it is a necessity that can not just be taken away. i understand that you have a terribly difficult time dealing with it. so let's compromise. i will do my best to not use it near you and you must try to be more be more sympathetic to the needs of the necessity of it. i hope this can be done. another attempt i've made to avoid it in your presence is to make another blog. this need for this blog is primaraly for that purpose it is also stemmed from a few other topics related to issues in this blog.

so, i've created another blog page. it is mantained by my darker side. it is made up as a place for me to rant and rave to my darker side's heart's content. many things are written on there that are unfriendly. and many explisitives are used. i do not appologize for it. none of it is real. none of it is completely true. it is just the rambling's of a much disturbed soul. this soul is laid to rest at the end of each post. this is to say, that what is said on that blog, stays there. if you care to comment, realize that it is not "I" who you address it is the darker side of myself. and response will be given by him as well. what is written there can NOT and shall NOT be addressed here, as it is no longer pertainable to myself once my darker side has left. is this clear to everyone? thank you.

there is much i have said, there may be more that needs to be said, but for now this shall do. seeing as how i have written a crap load, i will not proof read at this time. if something is unclear PLEASE!!!!! let me know and i will do my best to clarify. so for now.....

goodnight.

i'm going to be off tblog temporarly. a few things came up and i will not post again until they are cleared up. sorry for the inconvience. please read previous posts and leave comments. thank you.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!

this sucks. i have to start this all over again. y'all have no idea what you have done. it's all falling into place again. and that's never good. there's so much more that needs to be said now that you have opened the door. there's no way i could put it all on here, there's no way that i could have expressed it all tonight. but once it's all said, the end is near. the critical point where so many things go wrong. you just have no idea. there's very little i can do now. i have to think, i have to think very hard. but i'm so tired. i'm tired and i can't think about it anymore. i've done this too many times and i don't think i can go through it anymore. i'm tired, i don't want to do this anymore.

......

goodnight.

......

this blog sucks. if this blog does not pertain to you, please read the previous blog and leave comments.

oyasuminasai.

AAAARRGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!

i'm getting really really pissed. i tried to post twice last night. the first time, i hit the "publish" button then it came back and said "cannot find site", and then my computer froze. after i rebooted and before i even finish retyping the whole dang thing, it froze again. i was already super pissed last night, so i gave up and went to bed.

uhm, everything for today and ALL DAY yesterday was pure and udder CRAP!!! so i won't go on about that.

i have two quizes. the first person who answers correctly to each one will win 50 tbucks. a possible of 100 tbucks. Roc, Trin, and Koocb are not eligible for the second quiz. (y'all already know the answer).

#1 "in this style 10/3" where does this phrase come from?

#2 what do i do for my job?

....

for everyone, specifically deathangel: FYI.
i know very very little japanese. i know my numbers, who, what when where, why, how, how much, how many, hello (x3), goodbye (x3), goodnight, idiot (BAKA!!), and one curse word. that's it. i knew more, but i forget, like colors, and certain objects.

cat - neko
dog - inu
flower - hana
freakin awesome ninja - naruto :twisted:

oyasuminasai

hey, hey. what's eveyones hit count?

mine's currently 2644.

this is for everyone, even new comers.
i'm a curious person

broke through 2500, i'm now at 2622 hits. woohoo. i've gotten a few new people to leave comments that's pretty cool. and with all this stuff going on, comments are flying all over the place.

today not much happened. i got a new set of speakers for my computer cause mine were fritzing out. they're 5.1 surround Altec Lansing. THE greatest name in pc audio that you can find at any store. there are of course better, but you'll be paying it off in installments. ....so i have only room for the front two and the sub. actually i had to move stuff to put the sub down. now i have to find some place to store the box and the other speakers.

tonight some lady came to our house and cooked dinner for us. my mom invited her friend and husband, and the two ladies watched a presentation on nutrition and the wonderful cookware. whatever, free food and my mom got a night to relax. not too bad, but now i need something unhealthy to eat. healthy food isn't very filling. :shock:

oyasuminasai - have a good night. (the japanese was for "deathangel, i have to impress the new readers) :twisted:


...


i love that smiley :twisted:

my mom's fine now. thanks.

got new music for you. it's the opening theme from an anime called: "GANTZ". pretty crazy show, but cool music. to let you know, the japanese sometimes use english in their language. below is the lyrics for song. it's in both romaji and english. romaji is the japanese language written in the roman alphabet, cause we americans can't read true japanese. also remember this is way cooler with the video. this song will be temporary. i already have a song picked out to replace it soon. you have little time left to make suggestions. no further ado:

....


GANTZ

- romaji -
now listen yo
hitobito gun mazare run down
hashimawatta yatsura wo gun shot
burn the sound so say survivor
here come some boy so sekai ni hirou
chirozairyou come on the slow boy
nanda manna ka hazakku baranna guy
so fan yori band yori mo
wandaku ni go go go go on
time for your mind to become number one
suki da koitsura
aitsu no itami mo
kedakai itami mo mayuni mo dare mo
magareta dare mo hanasakeba dare no
ikite uchikonde yeah whoa whoa whoa
it's sucky yes like my life
akasuto give up the fight
ima sugu ji kan mo nai diieee dieeee!
big shooter iki isoide crazy
nishuuhan you need like a break
sharp shooter iki isoide crazy
shoshun out shiki isoi de break
big shooter iki ikoide crazy
nishuuhan you need like a break
sharp shooter iki isoide crazy
shoshun out shiki isoi de break

- english -
now listen yo
run down people with guns
guys run around. gun shot
burn the sound so say survivor
here come some boy so introduce him to the world
blood, ingredients, come on slow boy
what in the middle there is a candid guy
so fans more unruly than the bands go go go go on
time for your mind to become number one
i like this sound
weak pain also
even sublimation hurts, and everyone is lost
everyone's wound up and who's flowers can bloom?
my life has discontinued, yeah whoa whoa whoa
it's sucky yes like my life
lay everything bare and give up the fight
right away there's no time. diieee diieee!!
big shooter hurry up and go crazy
two weeks and a half. you need like a break
sharp shooter hurry up and go crazy
it's early spring, times running out break
big shooter hurry up and go crazy
two weeks and a half. you need like a break
sharp shooter hurry up and go crazy
it's early spring, times running out break

got the results back from the doctor yesterday about my mother's catscan. no tumor could be found. praise God. just what we need, yet ANOTHER member of the fam with cancer. and right on the heels of a man we know who has less than 2 months to live because of a tumor found in his brain. he's really really messed up because of it. it's very very sad. i hardly know the guy, but i can't help but feel sorrow for him. he's not taking it very well either, but still has a lot of inner strength. (God's grace). well, anyways. the doc doesn't know what's causing mom's problems seeing as how it's NOT A TUMOR!! :D so he put her on some "steroids". i don't know anything about this stuff. well, he perscribed her a pretty strong dose and she got to feeling REAL bad tonight. the rest of us were at church. she called up there and dad told me and my brother to go home QUICK cause she was having problems. well this freaked us out, so we ran home and she's just dizzy, nauseated and has a headache. sheesh, scared us pretty bad. had to go out to get her some nausea pills. she's asleep now. i hope the stuff works well enough till she can go see the doc tomorrow. appreciate your prayers.

that's all there was for today. worked this morning, but nothing to report. goodnight.

you know. sometimes, people just take things the wrong way. I HAVE PITY FOR NO ONE. i simpathize with many, believe in few and pity no one. alright, the song request is coming to a close. you have little time left to send in those requests.

i had to go to work today to make up for being off monday. not too bad. not busy, but really really crazy. lots of weird stuff kept going on. and old "murphy" had his foot up out butts too. whatever, i'm done with it for today, those poor saps. haha.

uh, yeah. i don't have much else to say. later.

nothing really exciting happened today. i got a haircut, which meant i had to trim my beard down too. it's about time. i've been trying to get to the barber for over a month now, but stuff keeps coming up. it seems most of my good time to do stuff is on monday, but unluckily, the barber shop and my anime store is closed on mondays. oh yeah, my anime shop is closing at the end of the month. how sad. it was a nice little shop. i did get to watch "pitch black". i bought it yesterday while we were out shopping. also got "lock, stock and two smoking barrels". great movie. hoi-hoi, more suggestions for music. i have only one so far.

by the way, i've already used afi twice so i'll try to find something else. if you have another suggestion let me know.

uh, i came to a sad realization yesterday. i went looking at some blogs. it seems there's a lot of young (mostly female) students in bad life and family situations, and talk a lot of suicide and having lots of sex. it's really sad that things have gotten that way for them. not pity, but hope they will gain the desire and will to overcome bad situations. it's kind of nice to see a few every now and then that actually have. the biggest example of this, i would have to say, is C.C.. Great job!!!

good night you happy people.

alright, sheesh, i'm sorry Roc. didn't mean to piss you off that much that night. and you too Trin. geez.

I guess i have to explain this again. i've gone through too many friends for any normal person. one friend a year and repeats stop after year 2. this is the cycle since i was in kindergarden. there's about 9 altogether. well, in this case, it's the end of the school year and we were a pretty close. so i guess my subconcious instinct took over again. be a little mean to you to keep you at a comfortable distance. never too close to hurt me for long after you've left. that's what that was all about. i try and i try to stop it, really i do. and i try hard not to let it control me or be the distruction of our friendship, but over the years its been used so much that's it's instinct now. i'm sorry. i don't want this to happen again, Roc. you're a great friend and i'm constantly scared that i'm going to lose another friend like i have all the rest of my life. if we will stick together i will try to overcome my problem, but i will need your help. that's all i can say.

....

i went shopping yesterday. cause it seems that the clothes i bought for myself when i was in school 3 years ago don't fit any longer. i can still get them on, but i have to keep my tummy sucked in. also my summer clothes were in real short supply. well, i think we got all that fixed for now. i took out all the clothes that i didn't wear anymore or didn't fit. sheesh, that's a lot of clothes. i have lots more space now. and that's the whole point since i'm living out of a closet right now. yes, really.

C.C. is back!! that's so cool. her daughter just had her ears peirced at age 5. she said she didn't do anything but smile. geez, if i had my ears peirced i'd scream, and cry, and all sorts of stuff. uh.............. to help recover my manlyness (we always have to do this. why?) i can take a beating pretty good from Roc and not cry. :roll:

a most pleasent day. nothing really to report today. i'll you about it tomorrow. i was called this morning and told i didn't need to come in today, but if i wanted to i could come in wednesday to get some hours. hmm. ok.

goodnight. list your favorite band and song in the comment box below. thanx.

i'm bored. i just got back from my friends. we went and got some dinner, went back to their place, played cards, now i'm home and bored. work was really slow. i read a bunch more of my book. i'm so close to finishing. that's really nice. i started another anime series the other day. it's pretty cool. it's not very well heard of, but those that've seen it LOVE it. it's pretty cool so far. i've only seen the first 5 eps. and i like it. there were LOTS of "hot" girls at work today. but like i said before, this is a college town that's reknown for "hot" girls who are premiscuous. dang it. there's not that many CUTE girls here. i would much rather have a "cute" girl that a "hot" girl. for the most part. hot girls are stereotypically premiscuous, so i tend to not care so much about them. geez, i wish i could be more open. i'm really shy around girls. all of them. sometimes even my own friends. i'm weird.

i have absolutely nothing else to say so i'll be leaving now. i'm now taking music requests again. leave comments. goodnight.

i like the title i used a while back. "soft sunday". i'm quite proud of that one. i usually try to make then all unique and a little obscure. it reminds me of a song by soul coughing called "soft serve". cool song.

alright. this will be short. i'll start with yesterday. yesterday morning went to the hospital with my mother and brother. she had a cat-scan done. went to lunch at el chico. good texmex food. cleaned the garage for the garage sale. got my check from the store. went to formal resital for a girl in our church. i wore blue jeans because i was misinformed. this was the girls supposed graduation recital, but just for our church members, but still formal. anyways, now her family hates me even more for not taking it more seriously. whatever. SLEPT. got up early to help set up for the garage sale. participated (by sitting at the back and doing nothing), then later came inside and slept more. had chili dogs for lunch. yum. finished garage sale and helped clean up, then went to work. totally boring, but i got to read a bit more in my book. it's getting really interesting now. now i am adding this blog. tada. you're all caught up. goodnight, i'll see y'all in the morning...... sort of.

ps. see comment's box below for survey of me.

sorry trin, decided to post it here after i had already posted it there. you can delete it from your side now.

i dedicate a day of silence to the late great President Reagon.

Goodnight everyone.

absolutely nothing happened today. read yesterday's and leave comments.

have a good night.

ok, i posted two new blogs today. the previous one was about my day today and yesterday. the one previous to that is an intimate detail of my brain functions. you have been warned. read with caution.

today was good. real slow. even got a couple pages read in my book (that i'm borrowing from my anime store owner) (i even have her home phone and address and email and instant messages) (GEEK!!!)

i saw a gorgeous girl at work today. (koocb, to let you know, Trin will not let me use the word "h..o..t..t..i..e..". i don't know how she did it, but she told me that i am no longer aloud to use that word. she must know some powerful people.) so, she was just drowsing around. i recognized her from somewhere and when she looked at me a millions thoughts ran through my head. after that millisecond was over, i began to calculate what the heck happened in my head and what it meant. well, i came to the conclusion that: "i'm a pathetic lonely girlfriendless soul" :cry: (feel sad for me!!!) :D just kidding, i'm just an unlucky person or the proper situation just hasn't presented itself, YET. either way, it's not my fault, and i'm unaware of how to remedy it.

oh yeah, work actually only gave me 20 hours work, just like i asked them to. for two weeks straight!! how cool. now i should be able to get some more school work done. or at least i will have no more excuses to not do it with all the time i will have available........ or something like that.

i dropped my car stereo yesterday. i am really sad, and really pissed. it was in it's case, in my pocket and just slipped out. when it hit the ground, it busted out of the case and onto the ground. i didn't think much of it since it didn't fall far, and it was in it's case originally. when i used it the next time, the display was all messed up. the stereo worked just fine, but i couldn't read a thing. there were lights and some even moved, but they weren't normal and couldn't be read. well, now i will probably have to send it in to be fixed and will be without music for like a month or more. AARRGGHH!! you know i can't live without my music!!!!! well, what happens, happens. right?

well, that's all i remember from today and yesterday (which i acutally posted but tblog kicked me off. ARGH!! (again)). if i remember more i'll post it later.

Good night, sleep well, everyone. have a wonderful day tomorrow.

alright. let's get this out of the way. everything (most everything) that you could possibly know about the way my mind works.

first off. that whole "dream" deal that became so popular several days ago. now i paraphrased this already in a "comment" on Trin's blog, well, now here's a larger version. (pause to get some food. mmm. so good. ready?) --

To begin with, i think it best to tell you about a few of my DREAMS. the dreams i speak of now are similar to ones that Trin just discussed on her blog. when i was young i had a few dreams that were so vivid i could see every detail of life. every faded color, reflections in mirrors, smell of hot stale air (yes, i smelt it), after taste of lunch, pain in my leg from an injury a few days before, EVERYTHING. the weird thing was that it was as real as being awake and was in my mind the way i would percieve the world from my very eyes. not in those out of body, third-person kind of way. no. i saw it as i see everything else, when i'm awake. ok. so this dream only lasted for two seconds at most, sometimes less. i might even remember it in the morning or even for a whole week. but it never made any sense. the things i saw and felt and the thought that were in my head (in the dream) were all something i could never come up with on my own, and had never experienced before. after 2 to even 7 years later, the exact moment i experience in my dream came true for me, in real life. the very images, smells, tastes, and even thoughts were there exactly as i had dreamed it many years before. i am unaware of a dream of this kind that i might have dreampt before that has yet to come true. that is to say: i don't believe i have new ones. and i have not had this kind of dream for many years now. oh yeah. to clarify, i've had no more than 12, probably less, and they would overlap sometimes by a few years.

ok, now with that that is out of the way. the "dream" i had in regards to Roc and Trin is not the same as the above. i would not even consider it a dream more of a visual image of what i was thinking at the moment, like day dreaming about how class might possibly go before you actually get there. THIS kind of "dream" is basically a big equation. i take certain factors: Roc (A), Trin (B), myself (C), our corresponding relationships to each other (D) (friend, friend, spouce) and figure the variable of possible future outcomes (E). put these factors into an equation that calculates the vector of future events based upon (D) and the past, and you arrive at an educated guess of (E): the future. take these possible outcomes and make visualisations on them. this is what i had experienced.

now, i need to clarify another thing. my secondary thought process. that's right, like a voice in the back of your mind constantly i have a secondary (mostly subconsious) thought process. this part of my mind can think, calculate, dictate, add additional thinking power to my concious thought, and even argue with myself (usually benifical if i have a tough desicion to weigh out). i have recently found it useful for dicating what i would later like to put up on tblog. however it can also be a major pain. if i've had an active day, it keeps running and processing the day's events while i'm trying to get to sleep.

now you know so much more about me than you ever wanted to know. if you are extremely curious about something i said but didn't understand. let me know. however i think you've had enough to chew on for a while, don't you think?

i went and wrote a long blog. pretty meaningless, but quite interesting if i don't say so myself. when i went to "post" it, it sent me to the "log in" page and lost everything i wrote. geez that pisses me off. i do not feel like writing it all again tonight. so maybe i'll write it again tomorrow. sorry, no new posts.

mmm. coffee makes the world go round. and select selfless moments of creating happiness for other people, especially for strangers.

AAARRGGHH!!
(skip this paragraph if you don't want to hear another rant. this is your only warning) today sucked. "murphy" shoved a gigantic boot right up my butt. inbetween numerous customers, my "boss" had me doing all sorts of tasks. and i still had to do all the paper work that the day-time girls don't do. and they have to be done before a certain time. couldn't ever freakin think i was so flustrated with all the crap i had to do. it was busy and i couldn't do paper work or the order for more than 10 seconds before i got interrupted with SOMETHING. there are times where it takes very little for me to go postal. some people just really know how to set a fire under me. the best part was that i've had a tremendous headache all day, and numerous pills did very little to help. se la vie. i must go on. OH YES!!! almost forgot. my counterpart, the only other clerk who does my job, came in today to annouce she will not be returning, EVER. she will be moving out of town thursday. crap. just when things got worse.....
............... :evil:

recently i've had so many opportunies to talk to girls, and, well, i was me. just never did anything at all. se la vie. know what? i hope i've been saying that right. i'd hate for some french speaking person to get mad cause i've been saying bad things. se la vei. :?

uhm, R.R., it's not a horn, it's a giant "tear brop". many japanese artist use them in that fashion to show desperation/digust......... something, i don't know exactly how to discribe it. it's just an emotion that characters get, and they use tear drops on the side of their face/head, to show that kind of emotion. yeah, i know, it's weird, but that's anime for you.

you're not stupid, you just don't know what i know. if i was to work at a workshop for a day, i would probably kill myself. i'm not stupid, i just don't know what you know.

so today really sucked, but that's how some days go. just a bit ago someone made me slightly happier. "Nette", the girl whose blog i used to read and a while go left a comment on my blog then never returned...... well, a while ago, i went to her blog, read that she was doing something and needed a few "tbucks" so i gave her a few (slightly more that she needed). before i started this blog i read my only new message and it was from her and she said thank you for the tbucks and said a few other nice words. that made me happy.

ok, my cat is meowing and it's driving me up the wall and i'm about to kill him. so i must let you go for now.
...must.......tame........seathing.......anger.......before i can sleep tonight.

goodnight.

update: yesterday i was at 2000 hits, today i've got 2085. that's 85 in a single day, i only count for about 2. that's pretty cool. but still no one comments but my two friends, ceeceesun (who's on vacation now) and koocb (who's new and i still don't remember her very well) (sorry, i've got bad memory. keep reading you'll see)

alright, work was real nice and slow. "boss"-man got me to do a lot of work, but i still managed to take a few real small breaks, and even read a little of my book. yeah. tomorrow is monday which is usually kinda busy but it will be nothing compared to last week. (for newbies, see blog:"............." nevermind, i thought i explained last week's phenomena, but i can't find it, sorry).

my OTHER friend called, and he's a late sleeper like me and will be working the same hours as me tomorrow, so we'll get together and do something tomorrow. he's the only friend i know that i can do that with, well, at least until his school starts again.

had to go to the grocery store today to get some bread and sugar. got to the check out, busy of course, but the girl in front of me was putting her stuff on the conveyor belt, and she had a lot of stuff. she stopped and looked up and saw i only had 2 items, so very sweetly she asked if i wanted to go before her. it took me a while to recover from the shock that she was so gorgeous before i got the nerve to say "yeah". i wouldn't have minded waiting behind her for a while longer. sheesh, i got to do something about this. i can't go on like this, i'll go mad.

found a bunch of new stuff on my anime sites. oh yeah, i'm going to be happy for a while. :twisted:

sleep well. i'm praying for you Trin. i had a great day today, koocb. thanks. GOODNIGHT!!!

***pic removed 6-15-04***

found this online along with a few other windows o.s. pics (from the same artist). real nice work. maybe i'll post them sometime. don't know why i posted this. hope you enjoy it. let me know what you think of it.

first of a 5+ day stint. the angry boss is on his 7 days, so i'm stuck with him for a few days. i told them finally that i need fewer hours. let's see if they actually heard. today wasn't a bad day. the "boss" found some work for me to do, as usual. can't have me take a few minutes break now. the old geezer never stops. and he's always talking or something. just shut up for a few minutes and let me clear my head. i'm going to try to take a book tomorrow, but if there is any free time he'll either have me do more work or talk my ears off and not concentrate on reading. sheesh, whatever. i love my solitude and silence. not that i don't want company, but i need lots of personal time to chill out. with good friends like Trin and RR, i can chill while i'm with them. i like that.

forgot my sunglasses at my friends house last night, and let my cd player at home. i was freakin out on the way to work. WAY too bright, and hot. i enjoyed the silence before the storm, though. but on the way back, i had to listen to my new cell phone ringers. weird, i know.

just got done talking to my dallas friend who's in san fran now. haven't talked to him in a few months. it was nice. had problems with my stupid instant messanger. i can't send or recieve files through any of my messengers on my computer. really weird. and i have no idea how to fix it. so he sent me a few pics in email. he's changed a little bit, but where he's at is real nice. i wish i could take a trip to see him.

was drinking some coffee while talking to him. got some of this store-bought, irish cream flavored cappacino mix stuff. pretty good. this brands a little more bland than the carnation brand. THAT stuff was good!!!!! 8)

does anyone know where i could get a video editor program? i used after effects but i prefer "vegas video". i also prefer something older so that i can afford it.

goodnight. hope you all sleep well. enjoy the rainy night.

2000 HITs!!!!

thanks everyone.

***pic removed 6-15-04***

alright here's a visual reference to work schedule this past month. grey is not included, orange are my regularly scheduled days, red are the times i was called in, white are my days off. well, who cares, but now you know. i want lots of white squares. can't get much school work done with the way it is now.





everyone, we have a new guest. please welcome, koocb. i have met her before at my friend's wedding, but i can't quite remember everything. even so, welcome, and enjoy your stay.

i'm enjoying a nice friday off right now, i'll be going to pick up my check soon. most of which will be going to pay back my ebay spending. "dang you ebay." and i have or will have other plans to fully enjoy my fabulous day off.

i took another quiz off someone's blog. it said i was a fire mage. it was totally off. the guy who i got it from got this one and i think this is much more correct. if i find it again i'll put up a link.

**pic removed - 06-05-2004**

today wasn't much of anything at work. a little busy doing stuff, but not a rough day. i get the next two days off (then work 5). so moving on...

just took this really weird quiz off a blog i stumbled across. it defined me with these words (in no particular order): Confused, Ambitious, Revolutionary, Loving, Jealousm, Arty, Funny, Orderly, Fashionable, Lively, Odd, Responsible, Yum.

i like ambitions, loving, arty, and responsible, i'll even take lively, funny, ambitios and even yum (very nice!), but right off the bad, i get confused. :!:

another survey said i will be beaten to death by patriot on a friday in feburary in the year 2028. i'll die young. hope i can find a girl before then.

finally the last quiz said i had a red heart, and something about love and lovey-dovey crap. i don't like that one.

i found something cool. i'll try to get it on here tomorrow. also i gave up on a few things i was thinking about doing for this site. i don't remember if i actually said what i was going to do. if i did, i ain't gonna happen, if i didn't, don't worry your poor little ol' mind about it.

GOOD NIGHT!!!! (i'm tired, it's 3:22 in the morning. sheesh. that's bad)

PS. this is post script to the previous blog. read that one first.



it's because of the lessons i've learned and the hardships of my life, that i am the way i am. i'm very easy going, and laid back. i very rarely ever take anything seriously. life is too short and precious to be spent sad or complaining about the way life has been dealt to you. this is your life and there's very little you can do to change it. keep hope alive, try your best, sometimes you will succeed. but when things aren't peachy-keen, that's the way they are and you either sit and cry, or you pick up and move on, and try to be happy once again.

yesterday was not in itself a bad day. there was much less service to be done than last year, no major problems with customers, had an intern available to help....... altogether not a bad day. too bad the "boss" still had to ruin my day. everything was going all peachy then we got a little busy, and he started freakin out. it was nasty. something has to be done. i cant handle my job situation. i'll be talking to him about my schedule probably friday when i go to pick up my check.

the other day my friends invited me over (still don't have that cd done, sorry), and we sat around figuring out what the heck to do. i decided we should drive around town visiting places/homes we used to. it was nice. i had a lot of fun (and drank coffee). i hope they had fun too. anyways, while we were out, Trin starts asking me what i like about girls. she's trying to hook me up. i'm a little leary about this but i don't have too many other options open right now. se la vie. i told her i just want a girl whose interested in me. she didn't like that, she wanted more details. why? it's not like you could really sort through that catagory. as it stands, that catagory is still empty. she touched upon religion. this is a requirement: the woman i marry must be a christian, whether she is before, or after we start dating doesn't matter, but this is a big deal.

after we got off the subject of girls, she asked about secrets i had. actually i think i said first that i had some, and of course this led to, "what are they?". well, most of the secrects i have can only be told to my wife. sorry. they mostly involve me and things i've done and learned. nothing explicit. here's one secret i'll let you in on. this is a big one, cause once you learn it things won't be the same between us: if you tell someone a really special or personal secret things always change. thus why i have many secrets but don't tell anyone. i like our friendship and i hope it lasts much longer, just the way it is.

i had a really crazy dream, or idea, or thought, or something the other day. i'm scared of it. once again i started thinking about the future. not my future, but the future of my friends. i learned to stop thinking about the future cause it always scares me or makes me very sad. i saw many possible out comes for my friend's future and the impact it would have on his life and on our friendship. this is the kind of thing i was telling you about that night, Trin. i've had many friends over the years, one at a time, and every one has gone and left. i try to enjoy my friendships as much as i can, but i always remember they can be taken away suddenly, and there's nothing i can do to stop it. no matter how hard i've tried i never kept any of my school friends. this thing has been a lesson, a reminder, in the back of my mind each time i see you guys, and every time i say the word "friend". i hope and pray to God that this doesn't happen again, but it's something i can't control. friendship is something that you can't control. it'll be real sad if i lose you guys too, but if that time comes remember it's harder if you don't let go. things pass, people change, situations are inevitable, know that i have learned my lesson, i'll be fine eventually, i hope this never happens.

good night.